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Crispy chickpea, prosciutto, and parm pasta

A pantry pasta for when you're fresh out of fucks to give

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When I quit my corporate job my friend Christina sent me a jar of laser-cut fucks. Christina said I had run out of fucks to give and needed to replenish my reserves. The jar of fucks also came with a jar of hopes, since when you give a fuck about someone you also give them hope. (You can buy fucks to give here).

I’ve been going through a difficult personal time lately. It’s nothing I want to talk about here, but for a variety of reasons I am feeling stuck. I’m fine – but I don’t feel like my happy optimistic funny self.

The only way out is through, but some days it feels like I’m all out of fucks give (my jar is still 3/4 full). It feels like there’s a brick wall in my way. It’s in my brain, but it feels so heavy it has a physical presence. It’s blocking me, stopping me from cooking, or writing, or working on video. When I go into the kitchen, the brick wall is there. I open the fridge, close it, and order dinner instead.

I haven’t figured out how to push through it yet.

This means I’ve been ordering in more and cooking less. But here are only so many times in a week that you can eat kimchi fries when you’re trying to get back into shape.

To break this pattern I’ve started making easier meals with food I already have in my pantry. Sometimes all I can manage is to grab a can of chickpeas and get something tasty into my system so I can get back to playing Zelda, passing the time until something changes.

I’ve been making the recipe below a lot. If you follow me on Instagram it’s been on my Stories once or twice a week. This recipe it’s extremely flavourful, tasty enough that you’ll forget about your woes while you’re eating it. It’s extremely easy, fast enough that you can make it without really thinking. And it’s full of fibre and protein from chickpeas, so you’ll feel good about it, but with enough butter and parmesan you might still feel bad about it. Less self shame, more balance.

You can call this crispy chickpea and prosciutto pasta, or pantry pasta, but I’m going to call it fresh out of fucks pasta.

Because that is when I make it.

*In this photo I made the recipe with organic, bronze die bucatini. If you have any fucks left to care about the type of pasta you buy, I strongly recommend you use bronze die pasta for this kind of recipe. Bronze die pasta will have more texture to it, so this butter-parm sauce will cling better. (The opposite of bronze dies are Teflon coated dies, make of that information what you will.)*

Fresh Out Of Fucks Pasta

This is an easy meal to scale down for one sad person or scale up for a crowd of happy people. I would use one 540ml | 19oz can of chickpeas per two hungry adults. You can make the whole thing in around 30 minutes (if you ignore the fact that you have to pre-heat your oven), and you can make it in 15 minutes if you just keep a double batch of crispy chickpeas on hand!

Crispy chickpeas

Crispy chickpeas make a great snack on their own, perfect as a popcorn/chips replacement when you’re feeling snacky. Since I’m often cooking for one, I’ll use half of these to make pasta and save the rest for a snack. You can easily double or triple this recipe to have extra chickpea snacks.

You will regret not doubling this recipe.

Ingredients

  • 1 can of chickpeas
  • 2 tbsp olive oil
  • 2 tsp sweet paprika (hot or smoked paprika work great too)
  • 1 tbsp garlic powder (not garlic salt! not fresh garlic! (it will burn!))
  • 1 tsp salt
  • Freshly ground black pepper
  • Optional chili flakes for heat

Method

Pre-heat your oven to 425°F (400°F convection).

Drain the chickpeas and add them to a medium bowl. Add the olive oil, paprika, garlic powder, salt, and freshly ground black pepper. Use a spoon to toss everything to combine and pour onto a baking sheet.

Bake for 25–30 minutes until browned and crispy. Shake the baking sheet halfway through.

You can spin this recipe for chickpea snacks – consider chili and lime (add lime after baking); cumin, mustard seeds, and garam masala; cool ranch chickpeas with garlic powder, onion powder, and lemon zest after baking; white cheddar powder; or nutritional yeast, salt, and pepper. Steal your favourite Doritos flavour but make it with chickpeas.

*The crispy chickpeas are really amazing. If you don’t want to make the full pasta dish, please make these chickpeas. They are an addictive snack. Be careful towards the end of the baking time that they don’t burn.*

*The crispy prosciutto really makes this pasta dish complete. If you are vegetarian I would skip it or replace it with kale. Then you need to use Fusilli, so this can be FUsilli, Chickpea, Kale pasta (to replenish your store of FUCKs). I thought of this jokeaftertesting this recipe and I don’t have enough fucks left to go to the store to buy fusilli (the pasta in this photo is Casarecce). Frankly, if you use kale it probably needs lemons and then the acronym is ruined.*

Crispy prosciutto

You can leave the crispy prosciutto out of the pasta, or swap prosciutto with another kind of deli meat (fatty salamis get crispy, lean meats will not). 3–4 pieces of prosciutto per person is a good amount.

Fold/drape each piece of prosciutto into a little mound. This will help it get crispy edges and be warm/melty inside.

Add to the same baking sheet the chickpeas are on when there is 10 minutes left in baking time.

Pasta & sauce

Ingredients

  • 350g dried pasta – I’ve made this with whatever is in my pantry, bucatini was great and recently I loved this Casarecce which is bronze-die pasta made in Ontario (I bought it at Legacy Greens). Pasta boxes range from 350–650g, so use around 125g per person.
  • 100g Parmesan cheese (grate your own! 50g per person)
  • 2 tbsp butter (1 tbsp per person)
  • 1/2 cup pasta water (eyeball it)
  • Salt
  • Pepper

Method

Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Heavily salt the water. Cook your pasta per the directions on the box, ideally timing it to finish with the chickpeas and prosciutto.

Before draining the pasta, dip a mug into the starchy pasta water and reserve it to help make the sauce.

Drain the pasta, return it to the pot, and lower the heat to medium-low. Add the butter and stir to coat the pasta in butter. Add 1/4 cup of pasta water, half the Parmesan, the chickpeas, and stir until it looks glossy and creamy like the photo (about a minute, it will thicken as you stir). Add more pasta water if it looks too thick.

Place in serving bowls or plates, top with crispy prosciutto, more Parmesan, and fresh black pepper. Add a squeeze of lemon juice if you’re feeling fancy.

Other dishes for when you are low on fucks

As I wrote this piece, I really wanted to change the recipe to have the ingredients for FUCK as an acronym, something you can shout like Roy Kent when the universe decides to play games with your heart.

But the recipe above is really delicious, and frankly I don’t have time to make all of these, test them, and photograph them. I did start brainstorming with my friend Marci and we came up with these options that we think would taste good:

  • Fusilli, Chickpeas, Kale (the fusilli is really carrying the acronym here)
  • Feta, Udon, Cherry tomatoes, Kalamatas
  • Fries Under Creamy Kimchi Sauce (inspired by the kimchi fries at Bao Sandwich Bar in Waterloo which is my top “Marko is sad” food)
  • Fennel, Urfa Chili, Kiwi Salad

So even when you think you’re all out of fucks, you can still find more.

Find some more fucks to give!

And eat some pasta.